What to expect when you are leaving your abusive partner
It's like being in prison. If an abuser has been making all your decisions, how will you ever be independent again and not feel guilty for making decisions that will benefit you? What happens the first time he uses his hold over you? How will you cope and not give in and go back?
They say that men always have crazy ex stories to tell. Women do not. When a woman dates a crazy man, she dies so there are no funny stories to share. This is so true – generally speaking at least. So my ex threatened to tell my family that I had sexual relations with many people. He literally told me that he was going to lie and hurt me and even that kind of abusive behaviour towards me did not keep me from taking him back for a whole year before I finally left with the clothes I had on. I had to buy a toothbrush and anti-perspirant as he completely refused to let me back into the flat. He destroyed property (especially certain items that belonged to my family). He knew how much that would hurt me. Well, I reckon abusers think they are either going to hurt you until you fold and give them yet another chance or, 'If I can't have you, NO ONE WILL.' Never ever think that they are genuine and expect the worse while being a little prepared.
My abusive ex did the following and you might experience similar distasteful situations:
1 He refused me access to our apartment.
Conveniently we had only one set of keys. So when I told him in the morning that he didn't have to pick me up from work, he started saying that I left him and the relationship in a rude and uncaring manner. All the while keeping me from my personal belongings. He made sure that my friends who were helping me had the worst time as well because they then had to lend me clothes and feed me and so forth. I was so dependant on him and couldn’t make a decision of my own. Choosing a toothbrush ended up being a lengthy process and I cried about it. Yes, a toothbrush can make you crack. It was my first night away from the grip of the abuser and my dear friends had their hands full just keeping me away from him and comforting the poor girl on the floor of the Checkers in front of the toothbrushes. Try to be prepared before you leave him (funny how we don’t use the word dump!) and have a toothbrush etc at the ready if you can as well as a safe place to stay, preferably with people.
2 He constantly expected me to still be his property
I got a call from him months after we broke up. The call was desperate, his family was hosting a dinner party and I was expected to be there as he had not told his family about the break up. I told my flatmate and friend at the time that I was going to get dressed as I didn’t want to be late for the party. Now I am thinking, what? How? NO! Don’t even think about going with him! My friend had to physically take my phone and she locked me in the flat. I am so thankful for that. It was necessary. I didn’t go, his family congratulated me a while later and made it clear that I had made the right decision. Although they were silent during the relationship, they had always had concerns. I want to say one thing about this: it is not socially acceptable to be a busybody but Michelle Knight was kidnapped by Ariel Castro in America and she was forced to be his sex slave for more than a decade. No one reported her as missing and no one helped. She lost custody of her young boy (also a product of rape) and only escaped when her body was completely broken. I am not even discussing her spirit. She is an amazing woman and she urges people to care with a little bit of action. SO when you suspect something, please do not let it be. If omission is the same as lying, then doing nothing is as good as actively hurting someone.
3 He sent constant reminders of the good and ‘passionate’ times and made me doubt my decision
Remember that you can become addicted to your abuser. You reminisce about the good times, but remember that no relationship has only violence or bad times, relationships go through a honeymoon period and these will be the times he reminds you of. Please keep in mind that his only emotion is: What can I do for me today? Everything else is fake and only an aid for him to manipulate. He did not have a good time with you at all. He was biding his time in the beginning to start abusing you! He had a good time when he was drunk and pretended to take pills. He was having a great time with you when you actually hit him BACK that one time because that gave him the ammunition to hurt you even more. His fondest memory of you is when you were lying on the bathroom floor crying and broken. Wake up and smell the patriarchy and misogyny! He took your smile and replaced it with tears. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can heal and become a whole person again. Take one specific memory where he abused you and hold on to it. When he reminds of how good you were together, you only think of that one time he hurt you and stick with your decision. Those times will escalate in future and he will not change. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news but he is going to hurt you more and more and you cannot succumb to a distant memory that he tries to plant in your head. Stick to your guns and remind yourself of how awful it sometimes was!
4 Threats to family and friends
Of course he created a fake Facebook profile and stalked and hurt my family and friends. He not only threatened to hurt them physically, he started conversations that lead to a certain direction and then posted it online. It was the most difficult thing to have to call everyone that was close to me and warn them. “Morning Mom! Please do not accept any phone calls from my ex. And if he does get through somehow, promise me you won’t believe anything he says. But don’t worry, the situation is under control…” It was not. Not only was my life in danger, he started threatening my close circle of trusted friends and family. And they were in real danger too. My ex had drinking buddies that would have done anything he had asked them. They protected him, while I was secluded and alone. Be careful of the company he keeps. Robert Kardashian still made sure that OJ Simpson was not convicted of a murder he definitely committed, even though he had doubts. Doubts about a murder so personal and grizzly, it shocks me to this day that he fought so hard for the freedom of an abuser and vicious killer. No one else has ever come forward and stated that they had doubts, it was just exciting to help a famous person get away with murder. Who fought for the Nicoles and Rihanas? Who is going to fight for you? You need to talk to the people around you about what is going on and what might possibly happen. As far as possible, try to have face to face conversations. Do not leave evidence on your phone and decide on cryptic messages that might only have meaning for you and your contact, for example: A friend sends you a message and asks how you are. Your reply can read, ‘I am fine” or “I am okay”. Your friend will know that I am okay means he has become violent and I need help but I am fine can be code for I really am fine. Whatever works for you and won’t be suspicious.
5 Rape is a possibility and murder as well.
I am not sure about suicide, abusers often try to get in the last word and those exact words (‘She always has to have the last say!”) have often been used as a defence by abusers. I have read articles about manipulative exes committing suicide in order to mess up the other person permanently. In my experience, abusers often use intimacy as a weapon. Never ever be alone in a room again with that person. Your life may be in danger. When things got really out of control one day when I tried to just get a change of clothes, I foolishly sent every one home and decided to handle the situation on my own. I was nearly raped and to this day I think I have only ever spoken of it once. I am revealing this now because I feel compelled to warn others. Nicole Brown Simpson was already divorced when she was murdered. Do not think he is going to be pleasant. Nicole thought she was done with OJ until he stabbed her to death. She did not expect it and neither did I back in the day.
6 He made me doubt my sanity and innocence.
He documented everything I did in retaliation and pretended that it was unprovoked, therefor, made me out to be crazy in front of friends and co-workers. Being exposed to violence regularly may have an adverse effect on you and you may even instigate violence. I had a dream once and when I woke up, I slapped my ex in the face. Really hard. Because I had a bad dream. The question you need to ask yourself is do I have a history of being violent? I had not. I had been so manipulated and provoked that I sometimes used force against him. This was always used against me. And why would I ever think that it was not my fault? I started it… It had however never happened in a relationship previously and so far the situation has not repeated itself. I therefor do not blame myself for ever hitting him and neither should you. You are not crazy, you are under immense pressure and you will have bad days where you lose control. Get out. Get away from the violence and you will not be like him anymore. My ex told a psychologist that I falsely accused him of being violent when I had the burn mark on my forearm, the bite mark on my upper arm and bruises down my legs as proof. Yeah, I didn’t show it to the shrink. I took ‘responsibility’ and seriously doubted myself. With the burn on my arm searing hot and while I was uncomfortable in my seat because I had physical pain where he had hurt me. I sat there with absolute proof and I couldn’t convince myself of his guilt nor my innocence.
7 Provoke you and expose you on social media
He will cut the first part of the message where he insults your private parts and put your reply on Facebook. He will show messages etc to make you look crazy. It might be worth your while to get legal representation for photos or videos. In South Africa we had Margaret, who put her private parts on the wrong group on social media. So we know that people do take naked selfies etc. It might not be nice to think about it, but a letter from your lawyer or attorney might ease the situation and he can be warned about posting things on social media. As far as possible, my advice will be to stay away from his social media and not encumber yourself with the burden of seeing him post something like, good guys finish last etc. His friends might be just as corrupt as he and they will comment and say nasty things about you that you do not need to see. Your family and friends have been warned and you know it is not true. Absolutely do not respond ever. Cut off all communication as far as possible and never ever get involved by trying to clear your name on social media. Never say anything bad about him either, you will open yourself up to unnecessary unwanted criticism from ‘know-it-alls’ who don’t know. Just like when I started actively becoming a feminist, the criticism is harsh and ignorant people will hurt you even more.
8 Police – he will have evidence against you soon and he will fight dirrrty.
I think he started suspecting that the relationship was not going to last so he had an arsenal of ‘evidence’ that I was apparently cheating etc. He wanted to use this against me in order to ruin me financially. If we were getting a divorce, he would have tried to blame me in court. You need to know that he might try something like this so start documenting the abuse immediately and gather your own evidence safely. It might sound vicious and premeditated, but this might be your only way of not being committed to a mental institution or losing custody of your children. Please review your facts and evidence carefully. Also, get legal representation fast. Many companies offer free advice and you might benefit from just speaking with someone who has a law degree.
9 Your own thoughts will be illogical and will take time to recover.
Remember the physical addiction has to be broken. You will wake up and start crying. You will feel broken and halved. This is temporary. Read, talk, and always keep hoping. Hope is so important. The bad thoughts will make way for good ones. You are not beyond economical repair. Never. Google and talk with others in the same situation. Be inspired and then you can be an inspiration. We live in a magical time where getting help is not a bad thing. If your GP prescribes an anti-depressant, take it. Do whatever it takes to become yourself again. Start with small decisions and work your way up to big life decisions that will not hurt the people around you but at least be beneficial for you. Life goes on for the living but it might be vital to speak with a life coach or therapist.
. We need to help and we need to know that if we help someone being abused, we might get in the crossfire as well. Please do not be discouraged. Things like the following make it worth it:
A couple of months after leaving my ex I received a personal message on Facebook from a friend who had left her abusive partner because I did so. My very public and disgusting break up inspired another woman to look after herself and save her own life by getting out. Well done woman. I would like to tag you on Facebook when I post this so you may know how brave and strong you are, but I never want to give you unwanted attention on social media. When I was told of my friend’s abuse, I didn’t have a clue. I never knew she was going through the same things I had to go through. I had such respect for her and realized that my suffering was not for nothing. It never is. Like Oprah says, once you know better, you do better. Keep the faith and keep each other safe.
